I smashed my piano today

I don’t know why. I guess a fear that I’m not good enough at music. I was having a panic attack, and then I vomited on the floor afterwards I don’t know why. I’ve never had a panic attack before. I’m also getting ECT in a matter of days according to my doctor.

Geez… was it an expensive piano? Are you okay?

No it was only $200 bucks, it was a keyboard, a very good one too (worth like $700) that I got used. Oh well I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I think I should give up music because I can’t stand not being good at it no matter how much I practice.

I’ll stick to things I’m good at, like writing… That’s it that’s the only thing I’m good at and there is plenty of evidence that I’m not good at that either! I think I’m going to write a semi-autobiographical novel about my experiences with mental illness after I receive electroshock (hope I don’t forget everything) but told in an experimental ergodic style to mimic the mind of someone going through psychosis.

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I’m very surprised your doctor agreed to ECT. If you’re going to have it, then good luck with it. I’m glad you’re on injections now. It might be your body getting used to the injections as well. We’re rooting for you.

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I get frustrations with things too often.

J.

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If you feel like smashing something, just choose those insignificant and cheap such as a cup or a vase.

Yeah, I’m a bit surprised too; my doctor was hesitant at first, he was quicker to suggest alternative medications, rTMS, and ketamine transfusions than ECT, but I told him straight up that I can’t play the med change game anymore and that I can’t wait for the six weeks for the meds to take effect and that I would probably kill myself in that time if I waited that long.

He still wasn’t sure about ECT, but his medical superviser enthusiastically encouraged it.

I always wanted to do that :ok_hand:

I always remember do what you like and the money will follow. If you like music, play it to please yourself, not others.

High school is just figuring out your talents. Do what is fun for you. They make you study many different things because you may have a talent in something and not even know it yet.

Why you fear not good at Music? Someone let you study music?

Why don’t they just hospitalize you until you stabilize? This doesn’t make sense.

Cuz I can’t afford another hospitalization; I was hospitalized three times in the past 60 days. It’s clearly not something that works for me.