I am terrified that I am developing schizophrenia! I am a 31 year old female who has a long family history of mental illness that includes an aunt who has schizophrenia, so I am definitely genetically predisposed & after doing some reading I have also discovered that I have experienced some environmental factors that supposedly increase my risk for developing the illness.
My nightmare began a little over 2 months ago on May 14th 2017 after I had my first experience with marijuana edibles. Before that the only previous experience I had with marijuana was smoking it occasionally in high school but I always had an extremely low tolerance & never liked the stuff cuz it made me anxious & paranoid so I haven’t touched the stuff since I was 15…until recently. So basically I was completely ignorant & ingested 30mg of THC which I now know is 6× the recommended dosage of 5mg for beginners- oops! What followed next was the worst experience of my life. I had a massive panic attack. I could literally feel my mind being ripped apart. After being trapped in that hellish state for who knows how long, I managed to fall asleep by sheer force of will. I just kept telling myself that once I woke up I’d be back to normal. Well, I haven’t been normal ever since. After I woke up the world just didn’t look or feel the same. Something was “off” everything seemed too loud & noises I wouldn’t even have noticed before would startle me & everything looked like it was too up close. I have severe constant anxiety. From the moment I open my eyes every single day Im consumed by a sense of never ending panic & anxiety. I cry excessively for no reason. I have constant tension headaches & my neck & shoulders are always stiff & sore. I have a constant ringing sound in my head/ears. I always feel like I can’t relax! Sometimes I have this inner restlessness that is horrible! I have sleep disturbances. I have trouble falling asleep & I wake up a lot. For some reason I can’t sleep past 3am ever. I wake up around 3am every night like clock work. I haven’t gotten more than 4 hours of sleep a night since this started. I have no interest in anything I used to enjoy. I can’t read or watch movies anymore. I started noticing I unconciously rock back & forth or engage in other repeatative movements. Sometimes my muscles twitch or spasm out of nowhere. I gag spontaneously a lot. I completely stopped eating for 2 1/2 weeks. I still don’t eat much but some days I manage to eat a little something. I’ve dropped a significant amount of weight in the past 2 months. I’m terrified of being alone but when I’m around people I don’t feel connected to them. I have immense guilt over anything bad I’ve ever said, done, or thought. I feel like I can’t laugh or smile anymore. When I catch my reflection in a mirror my face always looks expressionless. People keep telling me I look sad all the time now. Whenever I try to think too much my headache gets much worse, even trying to write this is giving me a massive migraine. I’ve been agitated & sometimes get hostile. I get paranoid sometimes. Like I sent my son to visit his dad for the summer while I sort out my mental state & once when I called him he started laughing & I heard people in the background laughing & I immediately felt strange like they were laughing at me. I started thinking my son sounded like he didn’t want to talk to me & I started worrying that maybe his dad was trying to turn him against me. Once I was in the store & I started feeling panicky & I noticed all these magazines on a shelf & I felt like all the eyes of the people on the covers were staring at me & it started freaking me out & I realized how extremely weird it was to even feel like that so then I freaked me out even more cuz Its just not normal. I get what I think are rapid intrusive thoughts, especially when I’m laying down in the morning trying desperately to get more sleep. Sometimes I’m not even sure if they’re thoughts or I’m hearing voices but they all sound like my own voice & seem like they’re coming from inside my own head so I think they’re thoughts. I can’t control them though & they’re weird it’s like a narrative going on inside my head. It freaks me out. I don’t clean or shower or do much of anything anymore. Anyway I decided to get some professional help & got evaluated by an ARNP & my official diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, & Anxiety. Recently she decided to throw in Depression too. The diagnosis doesn’t seem right to me though cuz I’ve known I was Borderline since my teens & I’ve always suffered from mild anxiety & depression but I’ve never gone through THIS! All signs to me seem to fit schizophrenia. I basically have every symptom except hallucinations, unless my intrusive thoughts qualify as auditory hallucinations. I’m especially convinced that it’s schizophrenia considering marijuana is apparently notorious for triggering it.wish I had known that before!!! I talked to my therapist about my Schizophrenia fears & she was really dismissive of my concerns. Apparently I’m too articulate & self aware to be schizophrenic. What do you guys think? Where you guys ever self aware when your symptoms began? Do you think I should just accept my diagnosis or do you think I should seek a second opinion from a mental health professional with a little more experience than an ARNP?
i am articulate when i want to be and very self aware. my diagnosis is schizoaffective depressive type. I get intrusive thoughts too but i have also had hallucinations. I think you should try whatever treatment they give you and see if it clears up your symptoms and if not,I don’t think it would hurt to get a second opinion on your diagnosis.
I don’t think you need a second opinion. It doesn’t sound like schizophrenia. It sounds like excessive anxiety about getting schizophrenia combined with other issues. Also, people who come here who are terrified they might have schizophrenia pretty much never have it. Personally, I was never very afraid of getting schizophrenia, and I didn’t really consider it a possibility either until I got the diagnosis. You should to try to get over this fear and trust your therapist.
She wants to wait another month before she puts me on an SSRI & an anxiety medication. She says the symptoms only started 2 months ago & she wants to wait at least 3 to make sure the marijuana is completely out of my system first. The only other treatment plan is for me to start DBT therapy but there won’t be an opening until September, grr. Looks like all I can do is wait & hope I don’t lose my sanity intirely in the meantime.
Borderline can give you psychotic-like symptoms like the ones you described. This really doesn’t sound like schizophrenia. It could the prodromal phase of schizophrenia, but it sounds like your most pressing issue is anxiety. Try not to make the anxiety worse. Trust your therapist and talk about this with them.
At night before bedtime i lay in bed listening to relaxation meditation music and practice deep slow breathing. It helps my anxiety and thinking a lott. Maybe you can try it for now.
I can’t stand to listen to any kind of music anymore. I have a hard time regulating my emotions now so music & movies & things just make me feel strange
I’ve had borderline for a really long time & I’ve never had 90% of these symptoms before & the preexisting symptoms were never so severe that they interfered with my ability to function. I
According to her since it was such a large dose & I have such a low tolerance it could take up to 90 days. Plus apparently edibles are way more potent so they tend to store longer in your fat cells & the fatty tissue of your organs. I don’t know though I’m not an expert on drugs or I wouldn’t be in this predicament for being an absolute dummy
i still dont understand why they are making you wait. marijuana was partially responsible for my going into the hospital for 10 days and i was medicated right away.
I understand nobody here can diagnose me. I was just looking for insight from people that have gone through it themselves. Perhaps someone had a similar experience to my own. I just wanted to know if I had legit reason to be concerned
I would think your therapist has considered the option of schizophrenia, but thinks it is most likely just the BPD combined with anxiety and a bad reaction to drugs. You really haven’t described any symptoms here that are clearly indicative of schizophrenia. As I said, I think you need to focus on your anxiety now. You sound like you have a lot of anxiety. Give it some time and talk openly about your fears with your therapist. If you become psychotic, they should be able to tell (and you, most likely, would not). If it doesn’t get better, you could ask for antipsychotics and see if that helps.
Apparently marijuana is more prevalent in schizophrenia cases than I would have imagined. That just increases my fear. I honestly wish I could go back in time & JUST SAY NO like all those anti drug after school specials tell you. I guess they’re not concerned with getting me medicated ASAP since they don’t feel I seem like I need to be hospitalized. I guess since I’m not talking to the aliens that spy on me through the microwave yet my mental state isn’t a pressing concern
have you been reading a lot about sz on the net? It seems like you’re having health anxiety for sure. Anxiety can be very debilitating. Try to stay away from reading about symptoms lest you get them all. Try my breathing technique 5 seconds in 5 seconds hold 7 seconds out. Practice this a lot then when you get anxiety it will come easier. remember 5 5 7. If that’s too hard try 3 3 5 or 4 4 6. Good luck
This genuinely does not feel like anxiety. I have a lot of experience with anxiety & in my experience anxiety is usually situational & has triggers. This seems to have no ryhme or reason. Everywhere I read says the prodromal stage of schizophrenia usually start with symptoms of depression & anxiety. I don’t know. Since I’ve already struggled with anxiety prior it could be a comorbid condition & maybe the impending psychosis in amplifying it more than usual? Possibly
If it is prodromal schizophrenia, there’s not much you can do about it until the psychotic symptoms become pronounced. If you think seeing a doctor will help you put your mind at ease because you don’t trust your current therapist, you could do that. But honestly, I think you need to give it some time and stop worrying so much. And keep talking about it with your therapist. Anxiety can induce a host of symptoms, and so can borderline PD. Your symptoms are somewhat similar to schizophrenia and you have excessive anxiety about schizophrenia. If your anxiety goes away, the symptoms could too. If not, there are many other diagnoses to consider first, including BPD. Schizophrenia is not usually diagnosed this early anyway, because you need to have had symptoms for a long time.