If you are suicidal you need to tell someone who can help you. Like your family, your doctor or therapist, or someone else you know and trust. I suffer from paranoia and schizophrenia. I'm 56 years old and my schizophrenia started when I was 19. At various times in my life I've been fat, an addict, depressed, psychotic, physically ill, suicidal, poor, locked up in a hospital, frightened for years and a host of other bad things. All of them turned out to be. temporary.
BUT...............I can also say that since I've been ill at various times that I lost 60 lbs and kept most of it off, I took weightlifting in college and I got in great physical shape, I've had thousands of dollars to do what I wanted with, I get happy a lot, my psychosis is gone or at least not as bad s it was, I probably don't experience pleasure in ,life like non-schizophrenics might, but in my own way I still enjoy, nice weather, being in greenery in parks, gazing at far-away mountains on clear days. I have more moments where my mind is quiet and fear leaves me. These things can happen to you too. Anyone looking at me when I was 20 years old would have thought I was hopeless. No one who knew me when I was 20 would never have dreamed that I would ever work again or that I would go to school. But I did both these things and more.
Anyways, you're in a really, really bad situation now that won't go away overnight but when I was your age I was in terrible, terrible, shape mentally too. But things change. I've seen too many miracles happening where schizophrenics I've known over the years, want to give up and not try anymore and then I run into them years later and they have jobs, or a college degree or a pretty girlfriend. But they just kept going even though they felt like you do. I'm writing about myself here not too brag but just to use myself as an example as to what is possible.
I will leave you with this simple saying from AA: "Don't quit ten minutes before the miracle happens."