It’s been six years since my first psychotic episode. I am symptom free since last 3 or so years. But in that 3 years period I haven’t managed to do anything significant.
Anyway to the point. I have realized this bit recently. Before becoming ill I never perceived this weird vacuum in life that I now do. I had never thought about life satisfaction or contentment but I was still happy. Just living a normal life.
But now I have realized whenever I am not around people and sometimes even after being with people I am seeking satisfaction/contentment. Sometimes it is really bothersome. I try to recall what I used to do pre illness. If I felt in this way before. What I used to do in spare time? It’s a weird fog. I don’t know exact words to describe this feeling/state. I can’t recall anything. That weird vacuum.
Anyone of you have this kind of trouble?
I can’t recall what I use to do before I became ill. I don’t even remember how I use to be before I got sick.
I know how that feels pal.
I remember always being on the go. Having something pressing to do, to get done. Work, errands, chores, exercise. I was training for a marathon a couple months before my 1st episode, so I spent a couple hours a day training, focused on that. Now its like I spend my time twiddling my thumbs, I don’t know what to do with my time. No motivation or drive. Its been 3.5 years since my episode and its like I’m in a time warp, everything is moving around me and I’m just standing still.
I’m 16 and I’ve had paranoid schiz and a DID for about 4 years, I can’t really remember what I used to do before it. Right now it’s not so difficult to live with it, but there are days I just wished I could jave stayed normal
I miss my life pre my wife getting ill and dying. It wasn’t perfect but it was a lot better than now. Pre illness life for me was not filled with great happenings and I’ve always been off key to some degree so I can’t say I had much of a life (certainly not a stimulating one) until I met my wife.
Im losing my memory of the past also .
yeah definetly ,sometimes i think when im in a stuffy environment , and I picture my old self , what would he do , I know full well . he makes me laugh.
I started really breaking down at 14… with stuff happening well before then.
I don’t remember a pre-illness life.
Sure, I miss not being viewed as wrong in the head among other things.
That’s exactly how my situation is too.
Life was awesome and now it’s close enough to be branded as hell
Some great philosopher (or was it Freud?) said that all humans are instinctively motivated to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. I think it’s called the " pleasure principle".
I remember moments of happiness before I came down with sz that I wish I could repeat. That said, I am not miserable now. There are things that make me tremendously angry, but I do get some gratification from my life.
do I miss life pre illness. NO as I had severe depression prior to sz
This thread has brought up some interesting questions. For me it’s been three and a half years since my episode, and I’ve been symptom free for about three years, but I haven’t done a lot in that time. Much of it I was on a fair dose of Risperidone and lost in the fog. There were periods when I couldn’t read more than a few paragraphs or watch ads on TV, it was all too much.
I’m still reasonably happy though, especially the last two years. Not much drive to do anything, but I’ve been reading more, exploring Buddhism, reclaiming my past, writing some memoirs. I have some very different beliefs now, I used to be pretty much scientific atheist before my episode, now I’m halfway between Buddhism and alternative spirituality. And I’ve spent a lot of time on forums.
But I do miss my career. I used to be a bit of a high flyer, working on big projects for large and important companies. The last four years have put a stop to that, installing a lengthy career break which has cost me a lot of money and good working opportunities. I do miss that a bit. And I’m unhappy about putting on the weight, a good three stone heavier now. But I have gotten things in return, as well. New friends, a new attitude, new sensitivity.
Yes. It is our natural tendency to avoid pain. Let it be physical or mental.
Don’t you miss life prior that?
@Kerome
My beliefs have also changed. I am born in Hindu family. Used to believe in god and spirituality. Before I couldn’t understand how can some folks not believe in these things.
Now I realize I was being an idiot.
I had given up my responsibilities. I thought god will help me. Will show me path. Take care of problems. But believing in such identity just worsened my problems.
Now I am a self professed atheist. I support scientific skepticism. Because of this change in belief I began to see things in a different light. I had become really superstitious. I used think if I don’t obey way of god s/he will punish me.
The things that brought me out of my psychosis were my psychiatrist, my parents and grandparents. Especially my parents they forgive me for my every mistake.
And it’s a completely personal opinion based on personal experiences. I am not opposing any religion or spirituality. In fact I am happy that these things are helping people.
I try not to think about it…Lots changed in my community worsening pay/job insecurity/bad pressures to stigmatize…I try to think, “I did the best I could” in each situation. I only get to choose after I learned the truth about the person/situations, cannot blame self for trying. Do not get anywhere without trying, only get nowhere for not trying. Seems like I’ve been floundering for so long for staying in my community or near this failure point. But, all the options are so screwed
Cannot let yourself miss decent enough jobs to self support with a little extra money for security/luxuries. What is gone is gone. Once you are schizo, some communities treat you differently too. Your options change a little. We have to take a little more effort to keep ourselves okay, so have to take all the ‘normal’ stuff at different rate. Cannot go charging into a new job after a while as a paranoid schizo, you cringe and wait for someone to go wrong on you. You don’t want to let the disability payment go very easily if you ever had any job or housing security. Reached point at 12 years of symptoms where I don’t even bother with some employment I would have enjoyed at one time, cannot take on so many failure points like screwed up community or screwed up coworkers could ruin. Have to work on own, or in back to keep the job security I once held when not experiencing psych symptoms. The aggressors and stimgatizers in community ‘know not what they do’. All we can do is avoid this failure point. Some like the relief of restaurant, labor or retail work after toiling in a work-group with someone messing with people…Some have to make changes to survive this. Have to get to know your community and then your coworker group, and judge from there how much job security schizo people are given. Some communities discriminate against schizo badly, and you will get to know your place in the menial jobs or face a lot of frustration reaching for better while other places do not care. You will know the anger level of your community members who suffer themselves and were denied disability payments, this just breeds the hate in some places.