I’m not doing well right now. Shocker. (And yes I went back on meds, they haven’t kicked in yet) Anyhow my issue is that since I have been getting serious thoughts about harming myself and am basically losing my mind I have been wanting to go inpatient so I can step back from things and have time to recover. The only issue is that I am aware this is a very temporary fix, and that it may actually make things worse because I will fall behind in school…and also I am worried about disappointing my parents because the other time I had to drop classes and whatnot to do PHP I could tell they were disappointed…and they’d probably worry the hospitalization would make me fail classes or have to drop them again…
So I’m really in a hard place right now. I suppose realistically I know this will all blow over in a couple of weeks even if I do absolutely nothing and I will likely not act on my thoughts no matter how strongly I feel about them. But this is just hell right now and I don’t know what to do.
Honestly maybe it’s stupid to worry about falling behind in class when I’m already sucking really hard in them because of my symptoms…but another thing I am afraid of is I will go to inpatient and they will not let me out and I’ll end up stuck there for who knows how long…
Presuming that your folks are basically good people, consider that the sadness they feel if you have to be hospitalized is because they don’t want you to be ill, not because you failed in some way.
I don’t know what you ought to do, I just wanted to put that out there that potentially “disappointing” your parents really shouldn’t be a primary concern.
When was your last holiday? Hospital doesn’t count as one all a balance of work rest and play and socializing important balanced time with friends and family and making new friends.
I would say that if you think you can make it through this without harming yourself then try to accept it for what it is and go on. It takes a tremendous amount of maturity to deal with an illness like this and it sounds like you have weighed the pros and cons pretty thoroughly. If you had to go into the hospital it would not be a defeat but if you don’t and you complete your semester than victory will be all that much sweeter.
I agree…it’s just so horrible during times like this…I feel so helpless about my situation…it’s like getting in a terrible accident and breaking all your bones, and you’re in intense pain, but you just don’t have time to drop everything and go to the hospital so you’re stuck trying to go about your life with these broken bones…and it’s extremely painful and you know they will heal eventually but that doesn’t help you escape the pain you are in now…
I went to college at a good school (before I got sick)
And had to take a leave of absence because I was partying to hard.
After my first psychotic break happened I went back to a smaller school. I was no longer the person that I used to be. I was a shell of my former self.
I could not communicate, had very few friends and spent a lot of time alone. Somehow I was able to complete my studies and graduate with a 3.5 gpa.
That’s better then I would have done if I were at the big university that I formerly went to.
You can do it. I know what the pain is like, but at least you know that it will end. I did not know that at the time.
True, therapy and the like has taught me to realize it’s only temporary when it happens and doesn’t mean life will be terrible forever. It’s helped a lot with suicidal urges but sometimes when it’s really awful you sort of lose that ability to think rationally anymore and all you can think about is ending the pain…
I solved an issue that was causing me huge amounts of stress today though, so that makes me feel a lot better.
I made a decision to go on no matter what. I’m a survivor. I’ve put up with a lot of BS and embarrassment as a result of my psychosis but it’s not going to stop me from achieving greatness.
Or at least out living some of the losers I grew up with who turned their backs on my when I fell from graces. ;).
Glad you figured some stuff out. I feel like every day is a learning experience. I’m always exploring my mind and I remember that I used to do the very same thing before I got sick. It’s normal to be flawed. The good days are when I embrace it and realize that it’s worse in my head than it is in real life. The bad days are when I fight it and think about hat might have been.
Was thinking over the weekend maybe time to dust off the old oblivion as if I recall you are a fan. SZ gamers do better then non gamers the realm of computer games that is. All a balance of work rest and play and socializing.